My family and my country

Who had I been in my family before I left it?

• I was definitely the lower in my family (lower than anybody who was older than me, or of older generation).
• I had no rights in my family. (I could get food to eat. But it was not because I had any right. I couldn’t defend it. My parents could stop giving me food if they got angry at me. They thought I should guess what they needed and serve them like a good servant to make them happy. It was why they thought me worthy of their food. And they thought the food was their giving. I should “thanksgiving”.)
• They also thought I should be the lower when I was in the relationship with the people out of my family.
• My parents and grandparents acted as the lower when they were in the relationship with the people out of my family.
• They didn’t resist to the offenders out of my family. They surrendered and they beautified their behavior.
• They thought they were the lower when they were with others out of my family. And they thought me lower than them. And then, I should lower further than the people out of my family.
• When I got offended by the people out of my family, my parents helped the offender to oppress me.
• But my parents thought I should make them proud by winning the competition with the people out of my family, or make them proud by getting in the higher rank out of my family.
• I was born the tool for my parents or grandparents to reach their goal. And the pressure on me was so strange and so contradictory.

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Who was I in China?

• I was the lower. I should pay respect to the old, the officers, the wealthy people, …, but nobody was asked to pay respect to me. I should be treated as the low classed if I left my hometown. And communist regime made the policy to treat me as the lower classed even if I stayed in hometown because people had different rights/obligation in different areas.
• I was asked to think myself the lower. It means I should criticize myself whatever I was, whatever I did, and should praise others whatever, and treat myself as the lower.
• I could seldom ask for my rights if I wanted to be a good person. I should try my best to devote myself to others.
• I had no rights to resist to the offender.
• There’s no right, no fairness, no justice. I was the lower. And I should be the lower. And I should be happy to be the lower. It was me in my country.
• But I couldn’t criticize Han Chinese as the lower. Han Chinese as a group must be the superior, upper and good whatever they were, whatever they had done. So I must, I had to, be the arrogant upper because I was Han Chinese. But they all treated me as the lower. So contradictory. So odd.

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My family and my country treated me in such a similar way.